My whole life I feel like I was always trying to find a way to make things consistent, to have some sort of structure. Unfortunately, the only thing that is a constant right now is that I have to wake up every morning at 6am to get my family ready, fed, and out the door. Everything else seems like chaos. I started writing this blog because I spent quite a bit of time contemplating and receiving different thoughts, visions, ideas and I felt that it was important to put these things down in writing…to make the thoughts and words become flesh or something permanent. As you can see, my last entry was sometime in September of last year. So much for my dedication. You can probably tell that I also have a problem with self-love and depression.
Today is an awesome day. Taking a step back, and trying to take in the big picture, we can see how grand and beautiful God is for giving us this time, this day, this season. I’ve spent a lot of time this past year very spiteful. My family and I, (husband and kids) moved into our own place after living with my parents while we finished up our college degrees. Having graduated in August, I expected to have a job by now. I don’t. I’ve been so stressed about money, paying rent, utilities, food, things for the kids. I became or have become so angry that I dedicated so much to God, but deep down inside I loathed myself because I always felt like I could do more to spread the gospel. Only problem was that I was not living the gospel. Anyway, the days being at home with my 4 and 2 year old were taking a toll on me. I hardly slept, spent so much time trying to establish structure in the house, trying to not look lazy, trying not to fall into depression – but in the end I ended up where I didn’t want to be. I ended up filling my time with netflix and random internet searches in between searching for jobs. I became so full and weighed down. Fast forward to today>>> Ash Wednesday. How good is God? He knows that we go through life accumulating crap that bogs us down. He knows that we lose sight and stray because of the excess things that weigh us down. LENT! This is a season where we practice fasting, almsgiving, and prayer – not for the act in itself, but to benefit us. The suffering we experience burns off things that we have accumulated, that had we died, the fires of purgatory would have to burn them off in order for us to be whole and without blemish before Him.
So, today I am praying that somehow, my will allows His will to work in my life.
a blessed sinner 